We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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