i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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