Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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