I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
