i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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