I need to stop coming to work sober
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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