his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
