Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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