we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
