he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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