A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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