I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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