I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
