When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
