GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
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