I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
