filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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