Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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