I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
