I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
