im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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