I looked at my own cervix.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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