come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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