just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
