I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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