sarcasm needs its own font
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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