When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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