I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
