Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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