I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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