this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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