One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Someone came in the potted fern
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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