It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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