Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
