I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this just has baby written all over it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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