My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
