if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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