I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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