The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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