I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
