dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
