There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
