Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
