So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
