I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
