either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
