sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
