Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We left the knife in your bed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
