Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
