omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
