Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
